Hello World

I can't say that I missed you as much as I have missed other things, but I do feel bad for being gone for so long. I hope you didn't miss me. I like the one-sided sense of community, but I hate to think I was letting anyone down.

I've been very productive today and I hate it. No one should have to be productive. Things may look like they're improving, but they haven't demonstrably improved yet and we should all be allowed to just stop. I realize this is a very privileged and impractical position to take. There are a lot of people who are never really allowed to stop. The people that feed us, the people that take care of us while we're unwell, the people who pick up our trash. A lot of people we regularly don't give enough respect or pay enough couldn't be as unproductive as I want everyone to be able to experience. Probably, honestly, the people who most deserve a break. Maybe some day.

It's a new year and a new administration in the United States of America. Every day the news makes more sense and it's somehow more bizarre than the time that it didn't. There's still a lot of things that don't make sense even though they haven't changed at all. Like Republicans balking at giving the people who have lost their jobs because of A FUCKING GLOBAL PANDEMIC THE GOVERNMENT LET RUN OUT OF CONTROL more money. Billionaires have kept their jobs and made more money- why can't the rest of you losers? It's weird that people so divorced from public interests have the support of the people. Stupidly I didn't realize until this year that Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul were both from Kentucky. I feel like we've been giving Florida too hard of a time and it is Kentucky that the country needs to have fall into the ocean. Somehow Kentucky has been holding the rest of the country captive by installing these rich obstructionist monsters that so clearly aren't concerned with the people of Kentucky. Who even lives in Kentucky? Has anyone been there? Has anyone looked around? Is it possible it's just Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul surrounded by empty houses bought by corporate donors to make it seem like Kentucky is a real place?

I find too often that I am not sure where I am in time. I don't think I don't know what place I'm in, but maybe? Upsettingly, in the moments I'm lost I feel like I'm with Scott. And it's not like I want that, it just feels like I'm not sure where I am and that's what's supposed to be happening. I wonder if it's because that's still the longest era of my life outside of my time with my parents, or it's still the most traumatic point in my life because at least through the terror of the last year I've had Collin. Sometimes I wonder if Collin is real.

The new year didn't start great, but things seem to be slowly clicking into place. School has started and I find it easier to be engaged. I have realized once again that I'm not sure why I landed on business school because I abhor management and I think a lot of what I'm being taught is amoral and unethical. It just seemed like I might be less poor than if I went into creative writing or something, I guess? It's easier to get through than American History, at least. Although it's only been one week and I'm probably already behind on what I need to do this week. I haven't been doing as much during the week as I should be.

I'm reading a lot of political commentary and news. I feel a little better that at least I'm reading and not just watching TV. But not much. And honestly- I miss being more interested in TV. But the people on TV are in the same world as I am, except they aren't wearing masks, and sometimes it just gets too anxiety provoking to see them spend so much time talking to other people in person without masks. I wonder what it's going to feel like when more people are vaccinated and people don't have to wear masks. I know that's not going to happen any time soon, but it's a surreal thought. I thought about dying all the time before, but it never felt as real a possibility as it did last year. At least not by some outside force.

Collin and I have been together for over a year now. It's almost been a year since we moved in together because of the pandemic. It is very weird that the majority of our young relationship has been under the specter of COVID-19 and the possibility that Donald Trump might be reelected. It was even weirder to spend 4 days locked down because there was the possibility Austin would be under siege by white supremacists. There's been a lot of really scary moments in the last year that have made me very grateful to be in the relationship I am in. It feels like perfect timing. I'd be a horrorshow if I had to deal with this on my own. Being with Collin is so nice that I'm sad when I have those moments that I forget where I am or don't understand that he's real. It's not like Collin is new. I hope some day it makes more sense that I am here than that I am not and I don't feel as trapped where I am not. I don't think there's some greater form of closure I'm waiting for. I think it might also be that I am in Austin again with another person again. Sometimes when I was living on my own in Austin I would be confused that I was not at my parents' house. Then sometimes when I was living on my own in Houston I would be confused that I was not at my flat in Austin. Or my parents' house. I think I just have a propensity to become lost in time. I just hope I stop finding myself in places I don't like.

I'm sorry I have been gone for so long. I'll try to write more often.