She Used to Be Mine
Not everyone gets what they deserve.
Sometimes people do- sometimes you're in the middle of getting what you deserve, right, and no one knows.
People tell me I deserve good things, and I have a hard time reconciling that with my experiences.
Does everyone have a hard time hearing they deserve good things?
I think the people who truly deserve good things are the people who try. I'm not sure I'm truly a trier. On the outside it appears I am trying because it appears I have a lot going on, but I don't know that this is honestly the case. If I were trying, wouldn't there be some successes somewhere? Are there people who are constantly and earnestly trying who never make any progress? Is that the kind of person I am? If that's the case, shouldn't I then try to reevaluate where things are going wrong and how I can do something I might succeed at? This again seems like advanced level trying that I am not doing.
My friends try. They try very hard and they focus and they succeed.
This is how I understand when someone truly deserves nice things.
My boyfriend tries. Everyone "puts in the work."
I think their assumption is that because they are truly doing the best they can and getting nice things that as their friend I must also be doing the best I can and thus be deserving of nice things. People tend to hang out with people similar to themselves, after all.
But I think truly the only thing I try to be good at is disparaging myself in a way that makes it seem like I am secretly a good and hard-working person. I have gotten great at attacking myself. It's a skill. The only skill I possess. Long-winded whining about how I don't understand where I'm going wrong or why I am so wrong, when I think maybe I essentially do.
So, I think...in this newest shift- that maybe I really am getting exactly what I deserve, and everyone else just doesn't know it.
Here is my current situation:
I am going to have to move. I am going to have to quit school (theoretically two semesters from graduating) and move. I say theoretically because I'm not actually doing well this semester, so I might just flunk out anyway.
This came to pass because I had to borrow some money from my parents. Naturally, they wanted this back. However, I am working, rather unsuccessfully, at two jobs that do not really add up to a lot of money. I spend a lot of time juggling my bills. I'm crazy in debt. I am not able to take care of medical issues because of this. It's a shit show.
So- I did get a small windfall of money, but that went to trying to catch up on some bills, getting a new laptop for the homework I'm still not doing and a $30 dollar calculator for a class I'm going to be failing a test in on Thursday. I did also buy myself a few things. Because I'm a self-centered whore. Completely. Inconsiderate. Irresponsible. Ho-bag.
Again, naturally, my parents asked me to pay them back...and I explained that it would take me longer than I initially expected. I have to save up like $3000 for tuition alone for the summer (if I even made it through this semester) and I was also going to be out of work for a week because I am forced to go on spring break when the college does, without pay, as I am, as previously mentioned, part-time. Part-time in this case is supposed to be around 20 hours- and part-time at my other job is supposed to be around the same amount- so I am, in effect, actually working a full-time job with strange hours. A full-time job with three bosses who do need work done by tight deadlines when I am not allowed to be there every day. A full-time job where everyone says they understand that school comes first but they still get pretty pushy when I say I need some time off for it. And I can't really take time off for it. The only way I really take time off these days is when I am unable to wake up because I am like a deer and elevated stress levels threaten to kill me. I can feel the chemicals dropping and my body failing. I am woefully fragile, and this is another reason I don't deserve nice things. I am reluctant to work for the nice things. I spend hours trying to pick myself up out of being exhausted by watching TV and writing long-winded whining blog posts and never actually get around to doing anything.
So I can't take the time off, and when I do take the time off I do so at a terrible cost. I do so at the peril of not being able to pay bills. Large and necessary bills. The peril of getting things turned off. The peril of having to ask my parents for money and explain that I am too tired, that I am to fragile and get sick like a young Victorian heir. Life overwhelms me.
So I cry and try to pick myself up and force myself to work and push past "stress induced" illness and painful headaches and manage to do everything incredibly terribly and need to leave anyway. I try in the weakest way because I am the weakest person.
I saw this documentary once about children of refugees who stop being able to function because they are scared they are going to be deported. They go catatonic. They know their families are in danger and they can't take the stress of the uncertainty. They know their parents could die. They know where they escaped was a place they had to escape and the only way to stay safe is if this new country will allow them to stay with the understanding that they will be killed if they go back. So when they face deportation and things look insanely grim, they stop moving. They stop talking. I think you understand the meaning of catatonic. They deserve the space to be overwhelmed by life.
I think about this every time I think I just can't do what I'm doing anymore. These kids in Europe who might lose their parents falling into a waking death.
So, fairly, my parents wanted their money back. I explained that I had a lot of expenses, need to save for the summer (and technically the Fall, because financial aid wasn't going to cover all of it,) and would have to pay them back slower than I anticipated. My mother asked how much slower. I told her it would be about $100 a month because of the previously mentioned issues. For context: summer classes start in May, so I needed to save $3000 in a little over 2 months with absolutely nothing in the bank, and again, juggling most of my bills, because, again, I am deathly irresponsible and unable to work all the work I need to work to properly survive.
This is where the conflict escalates- because as I explained how hard it is for me to financially stay afloat, and the extreme savings I needed to pull off to graduate on time- my mother came back with the demand that I needed to talk them through my finances. And there I lost it. And I came to the conclusion that this was no longer a situation I could survive. So I told her I would get a full-time job and move out at the end of the semester. She said I could do what I want. I crumbled.
That wasn't really what I wanted to do. Not a day since has been the experience I wanted. Not entirely, anyway. But I guess that's how days go, right?
Now I'm tired of trying this...to explain. I'm tired of trying to reason why I don't deserve nice things. I am putting off an essay that's overdue- studying- working- updating my resume- applying to jobs... some things I knew I'd need to do, some things I wasn't prepared for...and that's probably why I don't.
Sometimes people do- sometimes you're in the middle of getting what you deserve, right, and no one knows.
People tell me I deserve good things, and I have a hard time reconciling that with my experiences.
Does everyone have a hard time hearing they deserve good things?
I think the people who truly deserve good things are the people who try. I'm not sure I'm truly a trier. On the outside it appears I am trying because it appears I have a lot going on, but I don't know that this is honestly the case. If I were trying, wouldn't there be some successes somewhere? Are there people who are constantly and earnestly trying who never make any progress? Is that the kind of person I am? If that's the case, shouldn't I then try to reevaluate where things are going wrong and how I can do something I might succeed at? This again seems like advanced level trying that I am not doing.
My friends try. They try very hard and they focus and they succeed.
This is how I understand when someone truly deserves nice things.
My boyfriend tries. Everyone "puts in the work."
I think their assumption is that because they are truly doing the best they can and getting nice things that as their friend I must also be doing the best I can and thus be deserving of nice things. People tend to hang out with people similar to themselves, after all.
But I think truly the only thing I try to be good at is disparaging myself in a way that makes it seem like I am secretly a good and hard-working person. I have gotten great at attacking myself. It's a skill. The only skill I possess. Long-winded whining about how I don't understand where I'm going wrong or why I am so wrong, when I think maybe I essentially do.
So, I think...in this newest shift- that maybe I really am getting exactly what I deserve, and everyone else just doesn't know it.
Here is my current situation:
I am going to have to move. I am going to have to quit school (theoretically two semesters from graduating) and move. I say theoretically because I'm not actually doing well this semester, so I might just flunk out anyway.
This came to pass because I had to borrow some money from my parents. Naturally, they wanted this back. However, I am working, rather unsuccessfully, at two jobs that do not really add up to a lot of money. I spend a lot of time juggling my bills. I'm crazy in debt. I am not able to take care of medical issues because of this. It's a shit show.
So- I did get a small windfall of money, but that went to trying to catch up on some bills, getting a new laptop for the homework I'm still not doing and a $30 dollar calculator for a class I'm going to be failing a test in on Thursday. I did also buy myself a few things. Because I'm a self-centered whore. Completely. Inconsiderate. Irresponsible. Ho-bag.
Again, naturally, my parents asked me to pay them back...and I explained that it would take me longer than I initially expected. I have to save up like $3000 for tuition alone for the summer (if I even made it through this semester) and I was also going to be out of work for a week because I am forced to go on spring break when the college does, without pay, as I am, as previously mentioned, part-time. Part-time in this case is supposed to be around 20 hours- and part-time at my other job is supposed to be around the same amount- so I am, in effect, actually working a full-time job with strange hours. A full-time job with three bosses who do need work done by tight deadlines when I am not allowed to be there every day. A full-time job where everyone says they understand that school comes first but they still get pretty pushy when I say I need some time off for it. And I can't really take time off for it. The only way I really take time off these days is when I am unable to wake up because I am like a deer and elevated stress levels threaten to kill me. I can feel the chemicals dropping and my body failing. I am woefully fragile, and this is another reason I don't deserve nice things. I am reluctant to work for the nice things. I spend hours trying to pick myself up out of being exhausted by watching TV and writing long-winded whining blog posts and never actually get around to doing anything.
So I can't take the time off, and when I do take the time off I do so at a terrible cost. I do so at the peril of not being able to pay bills. Large and necessary bills. The peril of getting things turned off. The peril of having to ask my parents for money and explain that I am too tired, that I am to fragile and get sick like a young Victorian heir. Life overwhelms me.
So I cry and try to pick myself up and force myself to work and push past "stress induced" illness and painful headaches and manage to do everything incredibly terribly and need to leave anyway. I try in the weakest way because I am the weakest person.
I saw this documentary once about children of refugees who stop being able to function because they are scared they are going to be deported. They go catatonic. They know their families are in danger and they can't take the stress of the uncertainty. They know their parents could die. They know where they escaped was a place they had to escape and the only way to stay safe is if this new country will allow them to stay with the understanding that they will be killed if they go back. So when they face deportation and things look insanely grim, they stop moving. They stop talking. I think you understand the meaning of catatonic. They deserve the space to be overwhelmed by life.
I think about this every time I think I just can't do what I'm doing anymore. These kids in Europe who might lose their parents falling into a waking death.
So, fairly, my parents wanted their money back. I explained that I had a lot of expenses, need to save for the summer (and technically the Fall, because financial aid wasn't going to cover all of it,) and would have to pay them back slower than I anticipated. My mother asked how much slower. I told her it would be about $100 a month because of the previously mentioned issues. For context: summer classes start in May, so I needed to save $3000 in a little over 2 months with absolutely nothing in the bank, and again, juggling most of my bills, because, again, I am deathly irresponsible and unable to work all the work I need to work to properly survive.
This is where the conflict escalates- because as I explained how hard it is for me to financially stay afloat, and the extreme savings I needed to pull off to graduate on time- my mother came back with the demand that I needed to talk them through my finances. And there I lost it. And I came to the conclusion that this was no longer a situation I could survive. So I told her I would get a full-time job and move out at the end of the semester. She said I could do what I want. I crumbled.
That wasn't really what I wanted to do. Not a day since has been the experience I wanted. Not entirely, anyway. But I guess that's how days go, right?
Now I'm tired of trying this...to explain. I'm tired of trying to reason why I don't deserve nice things. I am putting off an essay that's overdue- studying- working- updating my resume- applying to jobs... some things I knew I'd need to do, some things I wasn't prepared for...and that's probably why I don't.
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