Let's Dance to Joy Division
I have 40 minutes before my discussion section and before the computer lab opens up so that I can print my assignment. So, I will probably be 15 minutes late to an hour long session. Hooray~!
I did do this all rather last minute though, so I have only myself to blame. Myself and a system of oppression.
I also don't have coffee money.
But my boyfriend will be in town tonight and that's a small comfort. A very small comfort, but a comfort none the less.
So~
I made promises.
Which I followed up on. Then pretty promptly forgot.
Actually~ neither of us really seems entirely sure why we started to hang out pretty exclusively all the time. The running theory is that I would hang out at their place at various intervals with his roommates in order to try to make myself a more well-rounded human being. A task I fail at every day, and did not do any better with when I was carrying out these experiments. We believe that when he was in town on the weekends he'd be around while I watched movies with either one of his roommates alone, or a group of friends, and I gravitated to him again both because I still found him pretty and I enjoyed his sense of humour. As problematic as it now seems at times. We were all dumb, we have all grown, I still like his sense of humour today, though there are still some misses.
The sad part is that this man-childe was more interested in my best friend. Although I hung out with him more often. It was excruciating. Probably the worst experience anyone has ever lived through and a singular event no one could relate to~ certainly not something volumes of literature, prose and songs have covered.
I think, maybe, at some point I pointed this affliction out. In perhaps a mean spirited way. I could very well envision myself telling him that he didn't have a chance. Everyone loved Issa, and everyone continues to love her - the married bitch gets hit on all the time around me, so he was in a long line of people she considered friends exclusively. I don't imagine this was fun to hear- but I guess he moved on? Or maybe these were just thoughts I had, and he eventually moved on on his own? There is a slim possibility that a younger me chose not to be blunt and borderline cruel because I was jealous. Very slim.
And I guess when he moved on he moved on to me? I do remember there being a period when that bothered me. I think I might have said something about Hispanic girls not being interchangeable. It probably still irks me because I am apparently the color blue and that means that I hold grudges. Or that I don't pay enough attention to personality test results...one of the two for sure. Another certainty is that by the time this happened we were already hanging out alone pretty often. Watching stuff, getting coffee, he insists we got a lot of coffee over the years, he also says there were doodles included. I don't remember these things, so I don't know if we had gotten to that point yet. Although, now I vaguely remember maybe getting food at this place by his house and campus that was popular with Engineering majors? I'll have to follow up on that later...that caught me off guard.
He also says that he remembers there was a point where when I was around he'd try to be around me. This is an interesting premise because I probably would have been trying to orbit him or Issa, as I tend to pick security blankets and hang onto them at parties and social gatherings. And all the parties and all the Collin finally drinking apparently led to a Hope previously inclined to being intoxicated getting in a Collin's face and making out with it, sort of... I've never been the making out type.
A kiss definitely happened. And I guess after that first kiss I apparently led him upstairs to what used to be his bedroom (because he was only coming home on weekends from an internship he sublet it) and became the first person he ever had sex with. This knowledge fills me with excitement now that we are back together, because one way or another I intend to be the last. (Please read that line as though it implies murder.) Although it does also trouble me because sometimes I worry if the continued interest isn't based on some sort of sexual imprint - like a duckling determines the first thing it sees is the thing that is meant to care for it. Although, I don't know if I would have that dynamic with Gilbert if he were actually actively in my life...so maybe that's not even a thing, and I'm just a bundle of neurosis. The last bit sounds very on brand. Right, so~ I'm the sexual discovery. The blossoming into a new era of adulthood~ A great awakening~ Patient zero... all the things. However, I'm sure I was very bad at it at the time. I'm pleased to inform that we've both gotten much better.
The biggest takeaway of this, actually, is that it was the first instance of a long standing tradition that we have sex in someone else's room, as technically he was renting it out.
I think that's a good milestone to stop at~
Next time~ The Transformation~
I did do this all rather last minute though, so I have only myself to blame. Myself and a system of oppression.
I also don't have coffee money.
But my boyfriend will be in town tonight and that's a small comfort. A very small comfort, but a comfort none the less.
So~
I made promises.
Which I followed up on. Then pretty promptly forgot.
Actually~ neither of us really seems entirely sure why we started to hang out pretty exclusively all the time. The running theory is that I would hang out at their place at various intervals with his roommates in order to try to make myself a more well-rounded human being. A task I fail at every day, and did not do any better with when I was carrying out these experiments. We believe that when he was in town on the weekends he'd be around while I watched movies with either one of his roommates alone, or a group of friends, and I gravitated to him again both because I still found him pretty and I enjoyed his sense of humour. As problematic as it now seems at times. We were all dumb, we have all grown, I still like his sense of humour today, though there are still some misses.
The sad part is that this man-childe was more interested in my best friend. Although I hung out with him more often. It was excruciating. Probably the worst experience anyone has ever lived through and a singular event no one could relate to~ certainly not something volumes of literature, prose and songs have covered.
I think, maybe, at some point I pointed this affliction out. In perhaps a mean spirited way. I could very well envision myself telling him that he didn't have a chance. Everyone loved Issa, and everyone continues to love her - the married bitch gets hit on all the time around me, so he was in a long line of people she considered friends exclusively. I don't imagine this was fun to hear- but I guess he moved on? Or maybe these were just thoughts I had, and he eventually moved on on his own? There is a slim possibility that a younger me chose not to be blunt and borderline cruel because I was jealous. Very slim.
And I guess when he moved on he moved on to me? I do remember there being a period when that bothered me. I think I might have said something about Hispanic girls not being interchangeable. It probably still irks me because I am apparently the color blue and that means that I hold grudges. Or that I don't pay enough attention to personality test results...one of the two for sure. Another certainty is that by the time this happened we were already hanging out alone pretty often. Watching stuff, getting coffee, he insists we got a lot of coffee over the years, he also says there were doodles included. I don't remember these things, so I don't know if we had gotten to that point yet. Although, now I vaguely remember maybe getting food at this place by his house and campus that was popular with Engineering majors? I'll have to follow up on that later...that caught me off guard.
He also says that he remembers there was a point where when I was around he'd try to be around me. This is an interesting premise because I probably would have been trying to orbit him or Issa, as I tend to pick security blankets and hang onto them at parties and social gatherings. And all the parties and all the Collin finally drinking apparently led to a Hope previously inclined to being intoxicated getting in a Collin's face and making out with it, sort of... I've never been the making out type.
A kiss definitely happened. And I guess after that first kiss I apparently led him upstairs to what used to be his bedroom (because he was only coming home on weekends from an internship he sublet it) and became the first person he ever had sex with. This knowledge fills me with excitement now that we are back together, because one way or another I intend to be the last. (Please read that line as though it implies murder.) Although it does also trouble me because sometimes I worry if the continued interest isn't based on some sort of sexual imprint - like a duckling determines the first thing it sees is the thing that is meant to care for it. Although, I don't know if I would have that dynamic with Gilbert if he were actually actively in my life...so maybe that's not even a thing, and I'm just a bundle of neurosis. The last bit sounds very on brand. Right, so~ I'm the sexual discovery. The blossoming into a new era of adulthood~ A great awakening~ Patient zero... all the things. However, I'm sure I was very bad at it at the time. I'm pleased to inform that we've both gotten much better.
The biggest takeaway of this, actually, is that it was the first instance of a long standing tradition that we have sex in someone else's room, as technically he was renting it out.
I think that's a good milestone to stop at~
Next time~ The Transformation~
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