Most Girls/I Won't Let You Down
I haven't been good at this at all lately. I have been telling myself I should go back to going back through my old posts. Making edits might make me get a feel for my voice again.
I have had ideas, though. I have windows of thought even though I try to drown them out with other people's creativity. Procrastination is easier if you're not being productive at all. Writing makes me feel like I should be putting my focus toward Statistics or Supply Chain Management. School. I should have done what I wanted. I should have gone majored in writing. Fiscal responsibility be damned. I guess there's bound to be a lot of writing in law school...whether it makes me feel better, closer to my real Mulan, I don't know. I doubt it.
A couple of days ago I had another moment where I had to recognize my general instability. "Most Girls" by Oscar Nominated Hailee Stienfeld was playing and I was overwhelmed. Like in tears. It still amazes me that she went from a really promising acting career to a relatively unnoticed music career. The songs she has released as singles though are pretty empowering. They're not really about wanting a dude, or stealing a dude, or crying over a dude..."Most Girls" is an anthem about appreciating other women and the fact that theirs not really a "right" way to girl. It's a direct challenge to the mess that media feeds us about having to fight other women. We have to be set apart, closer to the interests of whatever guy is around, perfect "without make-up", not try too hard, and like, all the other complaints that women make that are always valid and worth repeating because it's not like media has changed a whole lot yet. And her other song is a fun romp about masturbation and empowerment. Own your own pleasure, gurl!! That vagina is yours to play with! RuPaul that pussy!
I hate the word pussy.
Anyway, I had that tiny breakdown in my car. Then I guess I moved on? To many other moments of deep feeling? Cheap moments. Bawling at This Is Us and New Amsterdam (which is not a great show, but has a lot of schmaltz). I returned to my old habit of yelling at couples on TV to kiss. Sometimes the urgency is funneled into a conversation with The Kitten, as though she has some ability to direct the outcome. She's listed as an executive producer, but everyone knows that's a vanity title.
And I've been scheming. An elaborate party. I'm deeply afraid of letting everyone down. I feel like I've built it so far up. And maybe I have been working on this because I don't think anything else is going well. It felt like something I had a lot of control over. Really, I have a lot of control over most of the things in my life. I over-estimated my ability to cruise through class. I let myself become complacent. And I truly don't enjoy what I am doing at all. At this point I just have to roll with it. I can't start over. I can't put off life forever. I don't believe in myself enough to try to focus on anything creative. So here I am again, on the other side of an education I don't feel connected to at all. Learning things I don't want to know. Getting further into debt for the chance to finally get out of it when I'm making over 60,000.
While doing this procrastination game, and in the heat of PMS, I decided to scroll through Tinder again. This was a mistake. I truly don't understand why dudes think that just because I swiped right I want to talk to them. I feel like there should be a tacit understanding that I am just on there because I am bored and want to see if anyone hot liked me. It's a practice in ego-boosting. They start conversations. It's always some variation of "what are you up to?"
"What trouble are you getting in?"
"What's going on?"
"Here's a GIF to show I have personality"
The better ones mention something about my profile. The worst ones ask what I mean by "something fun and uncomplicated"- which is a sure signal that they're going to make things complicated by being flighty douchebags. And sometimes I respond, depending on my mood, with almost no intention of ever meeting. I'm actually pretty busy. Even for casual sex. Because it's not like you can just invite someone over for sex. It's weird. I've tried, and it's weird. There's this implicit agreement as human beings that you have to have some kind of conversation. Not even about what you want in this sexual encounter, which would be pretty productive, but - like- small talk? Weird mumbles about things in some effort to try to get to know the other person? It's incredibly frustrating because I know that we are never going to see each other again. I'm not going to be any good because I'm not actually into it, and I don't give casual blow-jobs, and they weren't really planning on hitting me up again anyway, unless they couldn't find anyone else to hook-up with. And that has happened before. And I definitely ghosted. The guy had asked me if I would dance for him, so, I feel like ghosting at that point is beyond scrutiny.
The point of all of this is: I did talk to one of the guys that I swiped, and things were rather pleasant. Up to the point that he asked if I would be free this week to meet up. And I honestly wasn't. I had my internship (which on two days out of the week I was too sick to go to), and my trip to Austin. The rest of the time I planned to study for my Statistics exam next week, that I absolutely cannot bomb because I did so poorly on the first one. I explained all of this, though I really shouldn't have had to say anything more than "no, I'm not free for like two weeks", and the guy came back at me with "Well, you'll need a break from studying, right?" At this point, I wish it were acceptable to go in depth about how obnoxious it is to assume someone will make time for you when they have just given you a detailed explanation of why they cannot do so. If I wanted to, I could have said "I have to do a lot of studying, but meeting up would be a welcome break- do you have time around blah?" I did not. It's not that I forgot. I wasn't hoping you would ask. It won't become charming the second time you imply that time with you is worth more than my commitment to my education. Or pretend commitment. It seems like a uniquely male thing to do. This presumption that a woman's time she has set aside for herself is worth less than time that could be spent entertaining a man. This is not the first time this has come up. It is kind of a test...but inherently true. And no one passes. The hard no on meeting within a week immediately kills polite conversation. But that had been smothered by the suggestion anyway. "We should meet up" is shorthand for "I think I've spent enough time on acting like I'm interested in your life, can I see you in person to determine whether I think you're fuckable?"
The answer is no. It's always no. I don't want to meet you after 3-4 questions and comments to make it seem like you're "listening." That's not making a connection. It might have been better if you just invited me over to have sex. Although, I guess there's always the potential of that getting really murdery.
Which brings me to my more recent revelation: I think I'm an incel. Mostly because there are guys who are incels. Chelsea Peretti has this joke about how men are afraid that women will laugh at them, and women are afraid men will murder them. I don't know if I'm afraid of being murdered, really, but I am definitely no longer comfortable with the mine field that is dating. The fact that there are guys out there that actively hate and disparage women because they aren't getting laid by 10s is deeply unsettling. It's the explicit form of all the "nice guys" who get frustrated when you won't make time for them. I can't shake the feeling that there are way more Tucker Carlsons in the world than Barack Obamas. Or Mr. Ruth Bader Ginsburgs. I have heard great things. He gave her room to grow. So I'm in love with this song, and without malice I am completely fine with never being touched by a guy again. I guess that's not really being an incel- I have a lot of agency in this decision. I feel like a lot of reddit-based incels do too.
I just wish I had someone to talk about TV with. I don't really know anyone as passionate about TV, even in the age of prestige television people will sooner have long conversations about music or film.
Speaking of- For The People came back, and it's my favorite network show. It's perfect. There's a quietly bisexual character who is very good at her job and doesn't feel the need to make time for or acquiesce to the show-boating male lawyers in the office. She calls people out, but not in way that feels like "strong female character" number 562. There are plenty of other strong female characters, and they all feel pretty nuanced. It also really resonates with me in subtle bits of dialogue that mirror my fundamental beliefs: people should not casually mix Spanish with English just to make themselves seem cooler, and Austin is a lame city where people stand in line for barbecue and it's weird. It also calls out characters for being glib, and makes an effort to humanize both prosecutors and public defenders. I still tend to side with the defense although they don't always make the defendants likeable. I don't want to be a trial lawyer anyway, though, so I can pretend that the defense is generally in the right.
Finally, I slept through too many episodes of cramps today, so I have not been able to sleep. I packed a suitcase full of alcohol. And most of my home. At least half my make-up and too many shoes. I cannot deprive myself of options, though I won't like any of them by the time I get there.
I had a thought- half way between Villanelle and Sufjan Stevens. Pretending to kill myself in the hotel room. But actually just slitting my wrists and sinking into an in-room jacuzzi sounds like an okay way to go. A Japanese bath. It would probably be very upsetting for the maid. What do you even tip for that?
That reminds me. I should get cash. I always forget to tip the cleaning people.
I have had ideas, though. I have windows of thought even though I try to drown them out with other people's creativity. Procrastination is easier if you're not being productive at all. Writing makes me feel like I should be putting my focus toward Statistics or Supply Chain Management. School. I should have done what I wanted. I should have gone majored in writing. Fiscal responsibility be damned. I guess there's bound to be a lot of writing in law school...whether it makes me feel better, closer to my real Mulan, I don't know. I doubt it.
A couple of days ago I had another moment where I had to recognize my general instability. "Most Girls" by Oscar Nominated Hailee Stienfeld was playing and I was overwhelmed. Like in tears. It still amazes me that she went from a really promising acting career to a relatively unnoticed music career. The songs she has released as singles though are pretty empowering. They're not really about wanting a dude, or stealing a dude, or crying over a dude..."Most Girls" is an anthem about appreciating other women and the fact that theirs not really a "right" way to girl. It's a direct challenge to the mess that media feeds us about having to fight other women. We have to be set apart, closer to the interests of whatever guy is around, perfect "without make-up", not try too hard, and like, all the other complaints that women make that are always valid and worth repeating because it's not like media has changed a whole lot yet. And her other song is a fun romp about masturbation and empowerment. Own your own pleasure, gurl!! That vagina is yours to play with! RuPaul that pussy!
I hate the word pussy.
Anyway, I had that tiny breakdown in my car. Then I guess I moved on? To many other moments of deep feeling? Cheap moments. Bawling at This Is Us and New Amsterdam (which is not a great show, but has a lot of schmaltz). I returned to my old habit of yelling at couples on TV to kiss. Sometimes the urgency is funneled into a conversation with The Kitten, as though she has some ability to direct the outcome. She's listed as an executive producer, but everyone knows that's a vanity title.
And I've been scheming. An elaborate party. I'm deeply afraid of letting everyone down. I feel like I've built it so far up. And maybe I have been working on this because I don't think anything else is going well. It felt like something I had a lot of control over. Really, I have a lot of control over most of the things in my life. I over-estimated my ability to cruise through class. I let myself become complacent. And I truly don't enjoy what I am doing at all. At this point I just have to roll with it. I can't start over. I can't put off life forever. I don't believe in myself enough to try to focus on anything creative. So here I am again, on the other side of an education I don't feel connected to at all. Learning things I don't want to know. Getting further into debt for the chance to finally get out of it when I'm making over 60,000.
While doing this procrastination game, and in the heat of PMS, I decided to scroll through Tinder again. This was a mistake. I truly don't understand why dudes think that just because I swiped right I want to talk to them. I feel like there should be a tacit understanding that I am just on there because I am bored and want to see if anyone hot liked me. It's a practice in ego-boosting. They start conversations. It's always some variation of "what are you up to?"
"What trouble are you getting in?"
"What's going on?"
"Here's a GIF to show I have personality"
The better ones mention something about my profile. The worst ones ask what I mean by "something fun and uncomplicated"- which is a sure signal that they're going to make things complicated by being flighty douchebags. And sometimes I respond, depending on my mood, with almost no intention of ever meeting. I'm actually pretty busy. Even for casual sex. Because it's not like you can just invite someone over for sex. It's weird. I've tried, and it's weird. There's this implicit agreement as human beings that you have to have some kind of conversation. Not even about what you want in this sexual encounter, which would be pretty productive, but - like- small talk? Weird mumbles about things in some effort to try to get to know the other person? It's incredibly frustrating because I know that we are never going to see each other again. I'm not going to be any good because I'm not actually into it, and I don't give casual blow-jobs, and they weren't really planning on hitting me up again anyway, unless they couldn't find anyone else to hook-up with. And that has happened before. And I definitely ghosted. The guy had asked me if I would dance for him, so, I feel like ghosting at that point is beyond scrutiny.
The point of all of this is: I did talk to one of the guys that I swiped, and things were rather pleasant. Up to the point that he asked if I would be free this week to meet up. And I honestly wasn't. I had my internship (which on two days out of the week I was too sick to go to), and my trip to Austin. The rest of the time I planned to study for my Statistics exam next week, that I absolutely cannot bomb because I did so poorly on the first one. I explained all of this, though I really shouldn't have had to say anything more than "no, I'm not free for like two weeks", and the guy came back at me with "Well, you'll need a break from studying, right?" At this point, I wish it were acceptable to go in depth about how obnoxious it is to assume someone will make time for you when they have just given you a detailed explanation of why they cannot do so. If I wanted to, I could have said "I have to do a lot of studying, but meeting up would be a welcome break- do you have time around blah?" I did not. It's not that I forgot. I wasn't hoping you would ask. It won't become charming the second time you imply that time with you is worth more than my commitment to my education. Or pretend commitment. It seems like a uniquely male thing to do. This presumption that a woman's time she has set aside for herself is worth less than time that could be spent entertaining a man. This is not the first time this has come up. It is kind of a test...but inherently true. And no one passes. The hard no on meeting within a week immediately kills polite conversation. But that had been smothered by the suggestion anyway. "We should meet up" is shorthand for "I think I've spent enough time on acting like I'm interested in your life, can I see you in person to determine whether I think you're fuckable?"
The answer is no. It's always no. I don't want to meet you after 3-4 questions and comments to make it seem like you're "listening." That's not making a connection. It might have been better if you just invited me over to have sex. Although, I guess there's always the potential of that getting really murdery.
Which brings me to my more recent revelation: I think I'm an incel. Mostly because there are guys who are incels. Chelsea Peretti has this joke about how men are afraid that women will laugh at them, and women are afraid men will murder them. I don't know if I'm afraid of being murdered, really, but I am definitely no longer comfortable with the mine field that is dating. The fact that there are guys out there that actively hate and disparage women because they aren't getting laid by 10s is deeply unsettling. It's the explicit form of all the "nice guys" who get frustrated when you won't make time for them. I can't shake the feeling that there are way more Tucker Carlsons in the world than Barack Obamas. Or Mr. Ruth Bader Ginsburgs. I have heard great things. He gave her room to grow. So I'm in love with this song, and without malice I am completely fine with never being touched by a guy again. I guess that's not really being an incel- I have a lot of agency in this decision. I feel like a lot of reddit-based incels do too.
I just wish I had someone to talk about TV with. I don't really know anyone as passionate about TV, even in the age of prestige television people will sooner have long conversations about music or film.
Speaking of- For The People came back, and it's my favorite network show. It's perfect. There's a quietly bisexual character who is very good at her job and doesn't feel the need to make time for or acquiesce to the show-boating male lawyers in the office. She calls people out, but not in way that feels like "strong female character" number 562. There are plenty of other strong female characters, and they all feel pretty nuanced. It also really resonates with me in subtle bits of dialogue that mirror my fundamental beliefs: people should not casually mix Spanish with English just to make themselves seem cooler, and Austin is a lame city where people stand in line for barbecue and it's weird. It also calls out characters for being glib, and makes an effort to humanize both prosecutors and public defenders. I still tend to side with the defense although they don't always make the defendants likeable. I don't want to be a trial lawyer anyway, though, so I can pretend that the defense is generally in the right.
Finally, I slept through too many episodes of cramps today, so I have not been able to sleep. I packed a suitcase full of alcohol. And most of my home. At least half my make-up and too many shoes. I cannot deprive myself of options, though I won't like any of them by the time I get there.
I had a thought- half way between Villanelle and Sufjan Stevens. Pretending to kill myself in the hotel room. But actually just slitting my wrists and sinking into an in-room jacuzzi sounds like an okay way to go. A Japanese bath. It would probably be very upsetting for the maid. What do you even tip for that?
That reminds me. I should get cash. I always forget to tip the cleaning people.
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