Exhaustion

I should be studying. This is a recurring theme. And an awareness that I never give credence. Or, perhaps, bearing on what I am doing.

I did study.

But not enough.

I have a test on Monday that is very important.

I thought I'd watch Destination Wedding.

It was more than I could have hoped for, and still very problematic. So much so, that I can relate to Winona Ryder's character completely. I am so starved for a good adult rom-com that I'm willing to overlook a really horrendous male lead as long as he brings it home in the end. It's like if negging became a person became a movie. It's absolutely the kind of shit that I would have used 4 years into my 8 year relationship to justify putting up with a horrible dead-inside human being. The saccharine cynicism that broken narcissists can become something resembling whole when they're paired up, if they're pretty and witty. Or just talk very quickly. Every exchange is the kind of dead-pan cringe that soothes something deep inside my hollow soul. I loved it. I hate-loved it. Honestly, if Keanu Reeves' Frank hadn't  gone on so many old-white-guy diatribes.

It's a problem I'm also seeing a lot of in stand-up. Mostly with the older crowd. Not necessarily all men. Usually foreign. European! The model of liberalism that American Republicans despise. And so many of their jokes are to shame American youth. A lot of people hate people with peanut allergies. I've seen that joke at least three times. Gluten intolerance isn't a thing. Kids spend too much time on their phones. Americans are comically obese. Except in L.A. where people are gorgeous but vapid. Everyone has a pretty low Arab tolerance. No one knows anything because of our phones. It's unfair that we can't use certain language anymore. These are all things I feel Frank and Lindsey will eventually discuss, and partially agree on, even though Lindsey claims to be very liberal. She's the kind of white woman who probably would have voted Republican in secret. Not because she likes Republicans, or approves of their policies or tactics. Mostly, she values self-preservation and understands that the Republican party will protect her as much as they want to control her. That kind of seems to be her whole attraction to Frank, anyway.

I still liked her. She was funny. She made classic Winona Ryder expressions of incredulity. She was pretty in a way that wasn't overwhelming, almost exactly as Frank describes...

Although, I'm sure if a Kim K-styled girl walked up to Frank he wouldn't turn her down. He'd just presume she was unsubstantial.

I know I've been dragging the main characters, but I promise I liked the film. I don't think they were meant to be likeable, anyway. Yet, they are unlikeable in that old-school upper-middle class way that I have been groomed to find attractive. A little stuffy, very vain, sharp-witted but almost completely lacking self-awareness. People who would surely throw micro-aggressions all day but bristle if their barista wasn't cheery enough- or worse, too cheery!

So, when they get together, it's cute. Because they're gross. So you can think "ugh, they deserve each other" in a way that comes very close to wishing them both well, and that makes you the better person. Who doesn't like being the bigger person?

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I'm back at studying.

I have been forcing myself out to the library. To focus. And write blog posts, apparently.

Campus is nicer on the weekends. It's like a ruins. The sunlight breaks through the canopy, and squirrels take advantage of the lack of foot-traffic to play on the warm gravel. Being anywhere during off-peak hours is like getting a little peak into a near-future without humans. It's easier to appreciate everything we do when no one is around. The marvel of architecture is clearer. One can imagine how an uninhibited wilderness will make improvements upon the aesthetic. When this building is filled with tiny squirrel apartments, it's true value will finally have been realized. And there will be a quiet dignity in the waste of the knowledge in texts that go unread. A world, absent of humanity, with so many stories untold. Who knows- maybe the squirrels will find it humbling and decide to learn our language? And then there comes an artistic renaissance! The squirrels begin to tell their own stories! All the many books are replaced by much smaller ones with similar themes but bright new voices.

Anyway, it's always nice when you're not competing for space. Today I am not competing for space. Whole sidewalks are mine to weave through. I don't have to avoid anyone through doorways. I find a desk with blinders, so I can focus straight ahead, like a carriage horse. God forbid I'm startled while I try to teach myself math.

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