If You're Not Angry You're Not Paying Attention
George Bush!
Parents suck! They don't get that I'm not made for college!
Celebrities are tools!
No one understands me!
I'm going to steal my friend's girlfriend...
I spent the last two hours of work with the Spotify Pop Punk Powerhouses playlist. It was uniquely satisfying in how unsatisfying it was. It was the auditory equivalent of going to a German fetish hospital and having my balls squeezed. (You really ought to be watching Killing Eve, then you would understand.) It was fun to realize how unwarranted all of my anger was up to now. I don't think I even was angry, I just liked the idea of raging in a very commercially palatable way.
And my pre-teen sexual awakening probably had a part in it, too. At least with The All-American Rejects for sure. That guy is still hot in a "I'm going to die of a heroin overdose someday" way. Who knows, though, he could survive well into his old age, like Kate Moss. He was in that cancer movie with Toni Colette I told you about a billion posts ago. Just as handsome. Blessedly without a big enough part to get a feel for whether he is a good actor.
I stopped thinking for a while. I was thinking a lot, and writing a lot, bits and pieces, but then the thoughts were faster than I could remember them to write them down. Then they became overwhelming because they were all clumped together trying to get out. So I had to kill them. Killing makes one sad, even if it's just thoughts. At least, this is true of me. I try not to kill insects. I should be more conscious about my meat consumption, but I'm so removed from the process it doesn't bother me. It should. But it doesn't. I don't really cook with meat myself, anyway. The closest I get now is tuna sandwiches. I don't think I'll ever take up the practice again. Maybe I'll occasionally make myself hotdogs when I move. I don't want to touch most of my kitchen. I mostly eat spreadable cheese on Triscuit and pickles now. Or tuna sandwiches. I've had them twice this week. It feels excessive, this tuna consumption, but I'm trying to save money because I'm moving and I started buying myself appliances. It feels good to be buying my own appliances. Good, and broke, I feel very broke.
Mostly because I put in my two weeks notice last Friday, so I have become aware that I am going to be unemployed in a week. And I need to find a way to pay bills after my move rather quickly. But I don't know what my school schedule will be like, or if I will be up to working and going to school full-time again. Part of the whole decision to move is that I have been wrecking myself doing that. My studio in Austin costs 800 dollars. That's almost a full paycheck. It was only going to go up by like another 30 dollars or so, but utilities are almost a hundred dollars, and that's a lot of necessity to have hanging over your head while you try to manage a schedule when college no longer wants to let you take classes online or at night. That happens in University. They take all the flexability of Community College and shove the necessity of that in your face. "If your parents can't put you through this maybe you don't belong here." University says. In fact, my decision to leave UT was partially made by getting an e-mail from my adviser regarding registration sessions in which she said she would not be offering any flexibility in her schedule due to work restrictions. School should be the most important thing in our lives and needs to be the priority, figure it out. So, because I only had the flexibility around my class schedule I decided to fuck all that noise because UT is kind of terrible and historically racist. I don't really need the prestige, just the piece of paper that means I can get a slightly higher paying low-paying job than I can get now.
I feel like I've gotten off track.
So, I killed the ideas. Because they were cluttering my head. And then I was sad, because I didn't want to respond to the new ideas, or the ideas that wouldn't die. And the idea of writing became too much. Because I lack focus. But not enough focus to get adderall. If only my parents had been white, I probably would have been on a ton of drugs growing up and none of this would be problem. But my immigrant parents don't trust doctors, especially psychiatrists, and can't really afford good ones anyway, so I got to be on a bunch of unsanctioned drugs instead. And now it's significantly harder for me to be diagnosed with ADD or something because people don't want to give adults drugs they can get addicted to, the privilege to sell or misuse prescription drugs is for children only.
In the meantime I have been doing things. I moved The Kitten, and she seems to be settling in better now. I have driven to see her every weekend because my mother told me she was sad and wouldn't come out from under the couch. I tried to make the couch an unavailable hiding spot by covering the bottom with pool noodles. I didn't want her to keep using it because it made her fur all dirty. She could find somewhere else to hide. And she has.
I quit my job. This has been a relief, to an extent. I also hate the job very much, so it has been kind of torturous to count the hours and the days. I can't help myself. I start the day and about an hour in I remind myself I only have 7 hours left. 8 if I want to work through my lunch to get some overtime. It gets worse in the last 3 hours of the day. Everything gets worse in the last 3 hours of the day. I can never sleep in the last 3 hours of the day. It's not great that I'm writing this at 9pm. I bet if I went to sleep before this I could go running in the morning. I bet I could be less tired. I am so tired. I hope that maybe it's the job. Maybe when I have less stress and hate I'll want to be outside more. I like doing it on the weekends with my friends. It's a property of the week, I think, being so tired all the time. The week as an adult.
I've had a few hits this fall. Great News and Lucifer were cancelled. I am satisfied at least that both kind of wrapped their love stories before they were killed. Death is a big theme today.
Brooklyn 99 was cancelled, but as you've no doubt heard everyone really loves it and it was brought back to life by NBC. And Last Man Standing was brought back by Fox, because it's a terrible network that sometimes gets it right but inevitably fucks it up.
Rise was also, predictably, cancelled. I had kind of become invested in it. It wasn't a good show, so I can't fault them. Especially because that dude from How I Met Your Mother was dragging the whole ensemble down.
I've also been eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
The Mick was also a hard one because the season finale was so bizarre. The cliffhanger is really going to haunt me. It came out of nowhere and now I'll never know a resolution. This is also a common theme in my life.
There have been more surprising wins, though. A.P. Bio, For The People, Gotham and Star were all a little shaky. Especially Gotham. I was furious at the thought that it would be destroyed in favor of Lethal Weapon. But we've already discussed that Fox is a network of terrible decisions. After all, The Simpsons and the Family Guy franchise should have pissed off by now. They're legacy pieces that must cost quite bit for no longer being funny (in the case of The Simpsons) or never being funny (Family Guy and all it's off-shoots).
I surprisingly found myself caught up in LA to Vegas, but this is also a Fox show and it's likely to be dumped even though it was pretty charming. The female lead wasn't great, but the cast of supporting characters are amazing. It also ended on a cliffhanger I'd like to see the resolution to.
I also got tied up in The Resident, which is about as bad a show as Rise, but was picked up by Fox pretty quickly for a second season. I kind of hope the level of medical corruption depicted in the show is ridiculously unrealistic. I'm terrified it's not. I can see now why my parents don't trust doctors. It's possible I don't like it primarily because it feels over dramatic. The one bright spot is the brilliant surgeon Dr. Okafor, who through the series reveals more and more of her secret amazingness. She's also an African immigrant, so she has a delightful accent. The attraction though is really more about how exceedingly capable she is and the fact that she knows it and isn't afraid to bluntly declare it. I'm almost in shock that Fox would green-light a show with such a strong female character.
In my new things I have started watching Hard Sun. It's a Hulu produced British cop drama about the world secretly ending. Agyness Deyn stars and she is perfect. From the moment you meet her and she has to fight off an unknown assailant she's captivating. I had only known her as a model, so I was quite surprised. It's nice that there's so many TV shows with grumpy or psychotic complex women kicking ass. As Renko she is brutally pragmatic and it has so far worked in her favor. I'm only 3 episodes in, but I'm confident in her recent decision to kill someone. As an English detective it's just something you have to do sometimes. It's also a little weird watching this and not seeing people get shot. People being shot by the police is as common on American television as it is in American reality, so when someone is holding a person at knife point or gun point an the detectives don't even bring a gun out it's startling. They beat them with sticks or taser them, but it all seems fairly non-lethal.
I suppose I'm coming back out of my head. I have quite a few posts that I was in the middle of, but I'm not sure if I care about that narrative anymore.
Sometimes it's hard to know what to care about.
Parents suck! They don't get that I'm not made for college!
Celebrities are tools!
No one understands me!
I'm going to steal my friend's girlfriend...
I spent the last two hours of work with the Spotify Pop Punk Powerhouses playlist. It was uniquely satisfying in how unsatisfying it was. It was the auditory equivalent of going to a German fetish hospital and having my balls squeezed. (You really ought to be watching Killing Eve, then you would understand.) It was fun to realize how unwarranted all of my anger was up to now. I don't think I even was angry, I just liked the idea of raging in a very commercially palatable way.
And my pre-teen sexual awakening probably had a part in it, too. At least with The All-American Rejects for sure. That guy is still hot in a "I'm going to die of a heroin overdose someday" way. Who knows, though, he could survive well into his old age, like Kate Moss. He was in that cancer movie with Toni Colette I told you about a billion posts ago. Just as handsome. Blessedly without a big enough part to get a feel for whether he is a good actor.
I stopped thinking for a while. I was thinking a lot, and writing a lot, bits and pieces, but then the thoughts were faster than I could remember them to write them down. Then they became overwhelming because they were all clumped together trying to get out. So I had to kill them. Killing makes one sad, even if it's just thoughts. At least, this is true of me. I try not to kill insects. I should be more conscious about my meat consumption, but I'm so removed from the process it doesn't bother me. It should. But it doesn't. I don't really cook with meat myself, anyway. The closest I get now is tuna sandwiches. I don't think I'll ever take up the practice again. Maybe I'll occasionally make myself hotdogs when I move. I don't want to touch most of my kitchen. I mostly eat spreadable cheese on Triscuit and pickles now. Or tuna sandwiches. I've had them twice this week. It feels excessive, this tuna consumption, but I'm trying to save money because I'm moving and I started buying myself appliances. It feels good to be buying my own appliances. Good, and broke, I feel very broke.
Mostly because I put in my two weeks notice last Friday, so I have become aware that I am going to be unemployed in a week. And I need to find a way to pay bills after my move rather quickly. But I don't know what my school schedule will be like, or if I will be up to working and going to school full-time again. Part of the whole decision to move is that I have been wrecking myself doing that. My studio in Austin costs 800 dollars. That's almost a full paycheck. It was only going to go up by like another 30 dollars or so, but utilities are almost a hundred dollars, and that's a lot of necessity to have hanging over your head while you try to manage a schedule when college no longer wants to let you take classes online or at night. That happens in University. They take all the flexability of Community College and shove the necessity of that in your face. "If your parents can't put you through this maybe you don't belong here." University says. In fact, my decision to leave UT was partially made by getting an e-mail from my adviser regarding registration sessions in which she said she would not be offering any flexibility in her schedule due to work restrictions. School should be the most important thing in our lives and needs to be the priority, figure it out. So, because I only had the flexibility around my class schedule I decided to fuck all that noise because UT is kind of terrible and historically racist. I don't really need the prestige, just the piece of paper that means I can get a slightly higher paying low-paying job than I can get now.
I feel like I've gotten off track.
So, I killed the ideas. Because they were cluttering my head. And then I was sad, because I didn't want to respond to the new ideas, or the ideas that wouldn't die. And the idea of writing became too much. Because I lack focus. But not enough focus to get adderall. If only my parents had been white, I probably would have been on a ton of drugs growing up and none of this would be problem. But my immigrant parents don't trust doctors, especially psychiatrists, and can't really afford good ones anyway, so I got to be on a bunch of unsanctioned drugs instead. And now it's significantly harder for me to be diagnosed with ADD or something because people don't want to give adults drugs they can get addicted to, the privilege to sell or misuse prescription drugs is for children only.
In the meantime I have been doing things. I moved The Kitten, and she seems to be settling in better now. I have driven to see her every weekend because my mother told me she was sad and wouldn't come out from under the couch. I tried to make the couch an unavailable hiding spot by covering the bottom with pool noodles. I didn't want her to keep using it because it made her fur all dirty. She could find somewhere else to hide. And she has.
I quit my job. This has been a relief, to an extent. I also hate the job very much, so it has been kind of torturous to count the hours and the days. I can't help myself. I start the day and about an hour in I remind myself I only have 7 hours left. 8 if I want to work through my lunch to get some overtime. It gets worse in the last 3 hours of the day. Everything gets worse in the last 3 hours of the day. I can never sleep in the last 3 hours of the day. It's not great that I'm writing this at 9pm. I bet if I went to sleep before this I could go running in the morning. I bet I could be less tired. I am so tired. I hope that maybe it's the job. Maybe when I have less stress and hate I'll want to be outside more. I like doing it on the weekends with my friends. It's a property of the week, I think, being so tired all the time. The week as an adult.
I've had a few hits this fall. Great News and Lucifer were cancelled. I am satisfied at least that both kind of wrapped their love stories before they were killed. Death is a big theme today.
Brooklyn 99 was cancelled, but as you've no doubt heard everyone really loves it and it was brought back to life by NBC. And Last Man Standing was brought back by Fox, because it's a terrible network that sometimes gets it right but inevitably fucks it up.
Rise was also, predictably, cancelled. I had kind of become invested in it. It wasn't a good show, so I can't fault them. Especially because that dude from How I Met Your Mother was dragging the whole ensemble down.
I've also been eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
The Mick was also a hard one because the season finale was so bizarre. The cliffhanger is really going to haunt me. It came out of nowhere and now I'll never know a resolution. This is also a common theme in my life.
There have been more surprising wins, though. A.P. Bio, For The People, Gotham and Star were all a little shaky. Especially Gotham. I was furious at the thought that it would be destroyed in favor of Lethal Weapon. But we've already discussed that Fox is a network of terrible decisions. After all, The Simpsons and the Family Guy franchise should have pissed off by now. They're legacy pieces that must cost quite bit for no longer being funny (in the case of The Simpsons) or never being funny (Family Guy and all it's off-shoots).
I surprisingly found myself caught up in LA to Vegas, but this is also a Fox show and it's likely to be dumped even though it was pretty charming. The female lead wasn't great, but the cast of supporting characters are amazing. It also ended on a cliffhanger I'd like to see the resolution to.
I also got tied up in The Resident, which is about as bad a show as Rise, but was picked up by Fox pretty quickly for a second season. I kind of hope the level of medical corruption depicted in the show is ridiculously unrealistic. I'm terrified it's not. I can see now why my parents don't trust doctors. It's possible I don't like it primarily because it feels over dramatic. The one bright spot is the brilliant surgeon Dr. Okafor, who through the series reveals more and more of her secret amazingness. She's also an African immigrant, so she has a delightful accent. The attraction though is really more about how exceedingly capable she is and the fact that she knows it and isn't afraid to bluntly declare it. I'm almost in shock that Fox would green-light a show with such a strong female character.
In my new things I have started watching Hard Sun. It's a Hulu produced British cop drama about the world secretly ending. Agyness Deyn stars and she is perfect. From the moment you meet her and she has to fight off an unknown assailant she's captivating. I had only known her as a model, so I was quite surprised. It's nice that there's so many TV shows with grumpy or psychotic complex women kicking ass. As Renko she is brutally pragmatic and it has so far worked in her favor. I'm only 3 episodes in, but I'm confident in her recent decision to kill someone. As an English detective it's just something you have to do sometimes. It's also a little weird watching this and not seeing people get shot. People being shot by the police is as common on American television as it is in American reality, so when someone is holding a person at knife point or gun point an the detectives don't even bring a gun out it's startling. They beat them with sticks or taser them, but it all seems fairly non-lethal.
I suppose I'm coming back out of my head. I have quite a few posts that I was in the middle of, but I'm not sure if I care about that narrative anymore.
Sometimes it's hard to know what to care about.
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