Things That Are Missing

One of the problems with living in one room is that I know every area of the surface I sleep on has been touched by The Kitten's butt. I'm sure of it. There's no way she has been kind enough to avoid even a single space. I lie in a bed of contamination.

I realized today that I have lost time. Or become less aware of it passing. I thought it was still mid-September. Time is such a fickle concept as an adult. I spend so much of my day desperately grasping at the sands of it, feeling as though I am sinking beneath it and trying to claw every opportunity out on the way down. Then I realize so many small moments just add up to an empty beach. Not even a particularly pretty one. What a cliche perspective.

In mulling over my musical I am trying to push myself out of such trite and common descriptors. I don't know if I will succeed. I suppose there's no harm in trying. It probably helps that I am reading more often again, and getting faster. I still have far more books than I have read. Last weekend I went to Half Price Books to try to find a few more of my required reading for Literature and ended up walking out with $40 worth of random things. I bought my own copy of Waiting for Godot- which I really enjoyed when I was younger. I originally stole it from my sister, I am not sure where that copy went. I should go into further detail at some point about the complex relationship I have with my sister. I like to think it is the fault of neither of us that we are no longer close- we were pitted against each other in so many ways. Truly, it is probably my fault. I am very bad at loving people, especially unconditionally. The length of the list of conditions for my adoration is quite long and no one is able to maintain their sheen for the run of it. Everyone is caught and tarnished, and I am a poor restorer of antiques, so I put things aside if I find they are damaged beyond use.

This would make me seem better at compartmentalizing than I am. The only reason I am not more concerned with the state of this relationship is the physical distance. I slip into the tide of longing daily. Austin is an ocean of ghosts- some I miss more than others. I would hold a seance but I am not sure I would like what I conjure up. I am as bad at appeasing spirits as I am at restorations. Anyway, the one I most want to see is the one I should least entangle myself with. That has always been the case. This time I can't give in. I am too old for the mad chase and I don't know where I would move afterwards.

So here we are in October. The semester is nearly half way done and I have maintained my 100 in YA Lit (as far as I know- there is a grade pending), I have a low B in French (I am still hoping to pull up to a low A by the end of the semester), and nothing so to speak of Philosophy of Science. Just a block of abstractions I am not sure I understand. Nouns.

Lies celebrates her first anniversary to Bren (who is obviously her husband). Coincidentally I will have my first anniversary with my current employer this month. I don't quite remember the date, but it's interesting because I didn't think either arrangement would last as long as they have. Lies and Bren have a fantastic connection, though. It's quite fascinating because on the surface they would appear to have little in common. Lies lives in a mutedly aggressive way that is hard to explain. She's very comfortable on her own and possibly the least apologetic person I know. I don't think she has a lot to be sorry for in general, which in itself is kind of odd. To be honest, if not for our overlapping sense of humor and insatiable, yet infrequent, drive to party, I am not sure there would be much basis for our friendship. It's nice though, her quiet intensity is a good anchor for the erratic behavior of the people around her. I just hope she doesn't burn out at some point. I think the pot is supposed to help with that.

In contrast, Bren is a very anxious person. He is visibly weighed down by this affliction. I suppose he's cerebral? He's definitely not social. He doesn't drink, and she can quite a bit. But it works. They share a lot of the same taste culturally and they are both fairly patient. They also have this bizarre drive toward honesty in their relationship that borders on self-destructive. Their love is perfect. It encapsulates their personalities in a way that is awe-inspiring. I try not to dissect it too often. It would become overwhelming to further venture into a working relationship. I am in better company with something less healthy to observe.

Tomorrow my oldest friend comes into town. In making plans earlier I considered that he may be the one person in my life I have never had a falling out with. I plan to ask him about this tomorrow because that would be exceptional and worthy of a lengthy and ultimately catastrophic argument.

Until then, here is a song I have heard three times today:
And here's a cover that I discovered in trying to add the original song- and I quite like:

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