Defeated

We were so full of hope and youthful exuberance, weren't we?

Isn't that just the least inventive turn of phrase?

The house is a mess. I am a mess.

I have once again fallen short on motivation and energy. I have once again fallen short.

Yesterday I learned after watching the ex's child that the ex has taken up again with the girl he briefly attempted to cheat on me with- luckily this revelation came toward the end of his shift and I was able to bounce pretty quickly afterward.

He said they were just friends. He said he didn't really understand how this hurt me.

I suppose I don't really understand how this hurts me.

For context this other girl has been in his life longer than I have. She's the reason things did not work out with the mother of his child, beyond that they were fundamentally incompatible, and he had repeatedly stated she was a burden when we first started dating. However, he was very hard pressed to get rid of her. There were episodes in our relationship where they would exchange naughty photos, and those were usually forgiven after some fuss, the thought being that I had had my own indiscretions and it was unlikely they ever actually had sex while we were dating. As the romantic chapter of our life finally closed I told him there was only one reason I would not be able to remain friends- and that would be if he were to reintroduce her back into his life once I was gone. I told him. Quite explicitly, I think.

Should it not bother me? Given the history of their relationship? Of ours altogether? Should I continue to fool myself into thinking that I wasn't cheated on as well? I think at this point the narrative of our relationship will have to be reframed under the assumption that I caught him once, but that was the one unsuccessful attempt.

I may not care about monogamy now, but I did then, and that should be enough reason for this to hurt, right? I should cut ties and losses as I promised. I have, to an extent. It's easier now that I am not physically bound to the same home. It's all probably for the best. It feels like the worst. It feels like a spiral. It feels like I have never been truly loved back.

Am I not worth it? What makes someone worth it? Confidence? Sex appeal? Talent? Grace? Strength of character? What trait am I lacking? All love has consistently been fiscal. I only know peace and love through money. Neither he nor my parents have ever been emotionally supportive or empowering, they just provided a pier to stand on, right over the waters of financial destitution, so that I might get my bearings and try not to drown. These piers had ropes that would come undone and tangle my legs. The piers seemed more than anything to want to hold me just above the water- so I could continue to be grateful to them.

See how helpful we are being?

You would die without us.

I've never known a love that didn't feel cyclical and transactional.

I've never loved myself in a way that didn't feel cyclical and transactional.

Every breath and movement has to be scrutinized. Why should I feel so entitled to a life not fraught with unease? I am only special in the way that everyone else is and not everyone else will live well. There's not guarantee or reason to assume I will. I haven't earned it, have I? Some people much greater than myself were not blessed with the allowance of tranquility... is happiness even a worthy pursuit? Is love? Can I find a fundamental purpose that won't feel arbitrary and self-serving? Can I fight a lightness in my existence?

I should ask fewer questions- they get me no where.

The hardest part has been coming to terms that the things we shared must be separated. I must claim them as my own- the shows and songs and experiences I loved. I should try harder to separate these memories from other people in the future.

The best part, I can see right now, is that I finally see the problem with my relationships thus far. I think I now understand there is a lacking in empathy between myself and those I love. I don't know if I lack empathy in general or it's a mutual condition that spreads like a mold from both ends and makes the relationship sick. But now I know it's not what I want anymore...that's a start.

I also know I want to surround myself with people with similar goals and a similar sense of humor. This must be progress...right?

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