Problematic

I don't know what's wrong with me. I was so happy earlier. Preparing for the new year I have to come to terms with the fact that I have ruined everything. I have ruined everything and not-so-slowly isolated myself. I am truly, overwhelmingly, alone. There's no one left to deal with my shit. And what did I expect? I'm not a good person and I do not deserve good things. I think it's time to give up my pen-name. I think maybe I need to let my more extravagant dreams die. This might be my last post. I've never really been able to get a handle on what I wanted out of life, but maybe that's because I'm not the type of person who can have the luxury of desire. Ambition was always internally destructive. This might be the best I can manage until I manage to die. Just being a cog, for the most part reliable, but unlovable. I don't know how many times I can have someone kindly tell me they want the best for me. I don't know how to live up to whatev

The wind is whipping around outside in a way that would make you believe in banshees. Rough, guttural crowing as they swirl around the complex, just waiting for someone foolish enough to brave the cold. I'll be honest, I don't know a lot about banshee lore beyond their howling. I should look it up. I did. Wikipedia was not a great resource this time. I also signed up for an insane amount of volunteer opportunities. I think this means I am going to have to learn to commit my time to something other than TV when I am not at work or school. I also need to register for classes for next semester- but I am kind of waiting for grades from this last one. One of the ones I really want to do, because it involves family law, has a kind of involved application and training schedule. Probably because it involves family law. I hope I can be truly empathetic to children. I always fear my natural aversion to motherhood will mean that I actually won't be that great at helping kids in

There's this weird air-horn noise that keeps going off around me. That sounds insane- I should say, there's this weird air-horn noise that keeps going off outside my apartment. It mixes in with the sound of construction. I assume it's just a particularly rusty crane or something. Straining to do it's job in the bitter cold. Is it wrong that I am blogging about my life when the course of my life involves other people? I have been a bit concerned with this for a while, because, especially if I write in depth at some point, I have some interactions with my family that are pretty unhealthy. I very much do not want to play the victim. I hope this doesn't come across that way. At Thanksgiving I was quite direct about the idea that sometimes I say hurtful things knowing full well how damaging it will be. I think that makes me particularly cruel, and I don't think that's something you should excuse. I don't know what to make of my ability to concede to that fa

I've invested a lot into chargers lately. On Monday, I went to a game night and I was running late. I hadn't charged my phone enough and the battery was eaten in traffic. Eight minutes away from the home that was normally 20 minutes away, but tonight 50 minutes with heavy traffic, my battery died. Luckily I was quite near a Shell station- so I forked over 19 dollars on a car charger, a cable, and a wall charger because the one I normally used broke on Saturday. A lot of things broke on Saturday. The game night went quite well, although I often like to joke about playing "bored" games because my sense of humor is generally terrible, the game we played that night was panda-based. My love of panda based things, it seems, would supersede most annoyances. I got very close to winning too!! The idea of the game is to build out the world for this panda, and as you are building the world and growing bamboo you have little cards with missions on them. The mission can be to ei

I'm a rather foolish person, after all. I don't know if there really was a moment I disputed this theory. I think there might have been. I think for a little while I felt somewhat safer. Today I finished a quarter of a bottle of Ciroc because I left the cap at my friend's house. Although, whether we're friends is actually something to be determined. Probably not- we'll probably never be anything more than acquaintences again. Part of it is definitely my fault. I don't do enough to measure my words. Not nearly enough as I thought I did. I was careless, and things got out of hand. My acquaintences are quite concerned with the level of privlege they hold in comparison to the people around them. It's a reasonable thing to concern oneself with. I can see that. It's a lot like conservativism, though, in that it's just a completely foreign consideration that's kind of hard for me to find terms to communicate within. Everyone tends to get defensive

I'm not sure when, sometime in November: I went to bed around 3am, I woke up at about 9:30am and I started drinking at about 10:30am. I also started cleaning and doing laundry/ finished reading for one of my classes (not the harder one, but I will take my small accomplishments where I can get them.) I'm going to finish up some homework, do some painting and wrap presents. Today I feel functional. And kind of lonely. I realize, hanging out at home, re-watching Ouran High School Host Club (because I'm kind of a loser) that I am closer to my cat than anything else right now. And I guess I am ok with that. I'm a little lonely, but I can't think of who I would want to be with. I don't know if I want to be in a relationship right now because that sounds so taxing. It's not going to be adorable Japanese teenage romance- so it's not worth it. Also, I'm kind of negative, apparently. I still dispute this, because I mostly say negative things because I thi